It Takes a Special man to be called, "Daddy".

My father passed away very quietly a year ago today. My mother, cousin, son, and I were all there. It's taken the better part of a year for me to internalize that he is gone. His physical decent was so slow, that at times it was hard to realize all that he had lost. First a cane, then a walker, then a wheelchair, and finally, requiring another person to put him in and take him out of the wheelchair. I saw him Tuesday of the week he died, sitting  in the cafeteria. He offered my dog, Melly, a bite of his lunch. Forever ornery. He had been moved to the assisted side of the cafeteria a few months earlier. That was hard to grasp. Looking back on everything now, it seems so obvious that he was fading away before my eyes, but that Tuesday to me, was just like any other visit I had made over the last year. I had a care plan meeting, and brought Melly to visit with Dad, and all the other residents. She had become quite a favorite for a lot of them. I wonder now, if they miss seeing her. I suspect they do. Dad was in a care facility, with his 2 older brothers, one next door to him, and one across the hall. They are all gone now, actually within about 6 weeks of each other. At first, they got together and played dominoes. But Dad became less able to do even that as time went on, and eventually, they gave up. One visit earlier, on a Sunday, people were having a service down the hall, and were playing a song that was one of my Dad's favorites. I sang along, and Dad grinned his normal grin. It was one of the songs my cousin sang at his funeral. It seemed obvious to choose it.
I believe I will miss him every day of my life from now on. Some days are really difficult, but others, I am glad for him that he is not suffering, and feeling frustrated and useless. Most of the time though, I am sad that he isn't part of everything that has happened since Feb. 11, 2010. I can imagine him watching his Granddaughter caring for her own baby. He would be so proud of her and her little girl, and his eyes would sparkle at her middle name.
I've heard other people talk about how hard it is to "get over" the loss of a parent. I for one, will not. I don't intend to get over it. Get through it, I did already. Move on from it, I'm still doing all the time. I don't expect to get over it. I expect to miss him, just as I have been, forever.
It takes a special man to be called Daddy, and I was fortunate to have a Daddy in my life.

Our front door--enter at your own risk!

Winter is here....again!

2011---Time flies!

We have landed square into 2011. It seems time is moving faster to me. There have been days in my life that I felt would never end, and now- an entire year has just blown by. It was a very tough year, but it still seemed to move too fast for me at times.
For instance, my Granddaughter will be 6 months old this week. Yes, half a year old already!! Augh!
My hubby received tenure this year, and it seems as if we just got here a week ago!! (that's a good thing- better than the other way around!!)
Reflecting on the previous year is typical for me when the new one rolls around, and since I had a few days on my own in our Kansas home, I spent some time in thought.
Ultimately, I am very happy with my life and where I am right now. I can say that about the rest of the family as well. That hasn't always been the case! That's not to say that everything is just perfect, but-it feels as if it's on the right track. There are certainly still concerns with my Mother, and the economy and job market is pretty frightening. It's difficult to explain, but I think it's an internal settling. Like, I feel balanced, and prepared for the future.
Watching my daughter with her baby girl reminds me of when she was a baby, and how some days just seemed to be an endless array of messes. I remember thinking to myself back then, that I really needed to enjoy her babyhood, because I knew it would go by quickly, and each little developmental milestone would come and go so quickly, but when you are in the midst of the diapers and the night feedings and the laundry, etc. it's pretty hard to soak it all in. I am so thankful that my daughter seems to be able to sit back and enjoy her daughter. I know that I'm really mistaken when I think that Kahlan is the most perfect, most beautiful baby in the world. I know that other Grandmas would disagree with my assessment. To me, she is those things and many more. She is also a confirmation that we will continue. My Dad is gone and that is very tough sometimes, but I took a picture of Kahlan at Christmas time, and she has that twinkle in her eye, and I couldn't help but think- there it is. There we are.
We are heading into 2011, and so many changes for everyone I'm sure. I hope that this year will be a positive one for everyone. I choose to believe that it will.

November 8

This date marks an anniversary in my life. I have chosen to acknowledge it by writing a letter describing family events for the year.
 Dear Kathy,
First- I really wish you were still here with us. So much has happened.

To begin 2010, we lost U. Cecil, followed closely by my Father. Less than 2 weeks later, U. Marion went also. It's almost as if they left the door open for him. They aren't the only ones who walked through the door though, and I know one of the most confusing yet comforting was your Mother. She is buried next to you, and all I could think of at her burial, was that now you and your Mom can be together. She wanted that, you know? That is why her funeral wasn't so tough for me. My daughter- your namesake- says I stonewalled at Dad's funeral. I think she's right. I think I didn't want to feel, so I just didn't. We know where I learned that skill, right? Speaking of Kathy- She and Scott had a baby girl. She had some trouble getting here, and had to really show her strength and stubbornness at a young age, like less than a day old, but she did it. Her name is Kahlan Rose. Yeah, I know. Not only did I do what you and I always said we'd do, but so did my daughter. Pretty neat, huh?  Kahlan is gorgeous. I have no doubt that she is the most beautiful baby girl ever born. It's hard to put into words, but she fills all those spaces that are empty. Anyway, I wish you could see her. I wish you could see me with her. I'm not convinced that you don't. I am a Grandma!!! Wild.
Patrick is working and in his second semester, seeking a second degree. He seems to be doing really well, and is more like his old self all the time. He was living with us until this summer. Oh! That's also big news- we decided to buy the house in Oklahoma. We payed it off in full last month! It's a big decision, because it wipes out pretty much all the retirement savings we had, but it makes economic sense. It's also made a change in the way we feel about living here, I think. I will always love my house in Kansas, and I will always want to end up there, but this place is fine. It feels good here too, you know? I enjoy the area, the campus is gorgeous, the students are great.....etc. I feel like you are rolling your eyes less at me all the time!  ;)  Keith and I had a really nice anniversary trip this year, going into Missouri and Arkansas. We stayed in a Yurt (!) in a really bad storm- which was not so great, but the mountain top was. We also finally took that trip to Vegas that Keith has wanted to make for SO long. It was also fun- surprisingly- for both of us!! Of course, the best part of all this, is that I had someone to share it with. I am lucky, and I know it--
I guess that covers the main big news. I'll miss you always.

November? Really?!

Well! October certainly flew by for me.  We had a wonderful visit with daughter and family. I have multiple photos to prove it. We are looking forward to having everyone together again for Thanksgiving here in Oklahoma. It's Kahlan's first everything, so it's automatically special. There is always a certain decision making process involved with the holiday planning for us. We own two houses- one in Oklahoma and one in Kansas. On a side note, when I say,"own", I actually mean it! We paid off the Oklahoma house last month!! Yippee!
Back to holidays- because we have two places in two states, there is a bit of figuring, plotting, and planing to be made. AND- since we've had a marriage, there is also another entire family to negotiate with as well. We have always done Thanksgiving at the home in Kansas, until last year, when half of us went to the 'other side' for that holiday. We had a very nice day here in Oklahoma, and are going to repeat the process this year- with the exception of having more help in the kitchen!
Happily, my Mom has two options for Thanksgiving that don't involve her riding in a car for a 7 hour round trip. I brought her down once for our Christmas show, and while I think she enjoyed the show, the trip was tiring, and being some place besides her home was difficult for her. I'm really thankful that there are other things she can participate in that don't involve her leaving her home. She has begun to live in a kind of alternate reality, I think. She has sort of rewound the clock to a time when all her loved ones were still alive. That works out fine for her, until I show up with a grandbaby! Then she has some confusion when she actually thinks about it. It's really tough to explain, because she has always sort of ignored things that are painful for her, so this behavior isn't new- and not really related to age, etc. It's a self-preservation thing I believe. I know that Christmas and their anniversary will be difficult for her, if she allows herself to recognize it. Time will tell how that works out.
In the meantime, I am helping with some costumes for Opera Scenes, and taking photos for promotions for the School of Music this week. We are heading into a season of concerts, etc. and lots of excitement. Among all this, I get to celebrate with a new Grandbaby! We have so much to be thankful for!

Hello Fall!!

Our family, the Roses, have had a really tough year this year. It started as the year began, with the death of one of two remaining Uncles, and followed with my Dad, and then the last surviving sibling of his within a few short days. We lost all 3 of them very abruptly, and on some days, I am still reeling somewhat. It didn't end there, though. We also lost 3 of my cousins as well. 2010 has been tough. I am beginning to accept that the loss of my father is still burdening me. I just read on a friend's blog, about a time capsule within their community and things her mother in law had placed there for all of them to find 25 years later. It was very impressive, and touching. It made me wonder, what were my Dad's views of the world 25 years ago? Would he have projected forward to great-grandchildren?  Even though his last months were clouded with some mental confusion, it was really his body that betrayed him. An unfortunate medical mis-diagnosis, and then an optional treatment suggestion that shouldn't have been optional, brought him to the point of being unable to walk, or care for himself. He could feed himself up until the last day of his life. It's really hard to explain what it feels like to watch your parent disappear, but that's what happened with Dad. His essence, his personality was there though. Sometimes, his eyes would sparkle just like always, and i would think that he was still in there. It's strange how off balance I have felt since his death, because I was the one caring for him, not the other way around. Dad was always there, even when he wasn't able to do anything anymore but sit and occasionally talk with me. Having him completely gone has been very difficult to absorb.
I think my greatest regret is that he was gone before my Granddaughter arrived, but honestly, whenever I am with her, I feel his presence more strongly than anywhere else. I have to believe he has seen her, and is proud of her and of her Mom and Dad. They went through an awful lot to get her here, and I'm pretty sure that some of the Rose stubbornness factored into it! I'm also pretty sure that there is a twinkling eye and ornery grin up there somewhere looking down on all of us.

Revalations~

As I was 'skyping' with my daughter, discussing an upcoming trip to take my granddaughter to meet my mother for the first time, I recognized a familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate that feeling. I've had it most of my life though, so you'd think I'd be used to it by now!
The story is this- my mother makes me nervous. Okay, yes, that's mild, but hey- this is a family blog space!
Since I was very young, I'm guessing 8 or so, I have memories of having to 'take over' during crisis situations within our family. My mother tends to----well, lose her mind when she's under stress. She can't remember things like our address or phone number for instance. On occasion, I think she has forgotten she has a child. She is getting very forgetful these last few months, and people are acting like some of her behavior is unusual. Actually, it's not. When my Dad died, she went through a time of 'forgetting' he had died. To other folks, this seems horrific. What they don't know, is that when her sister died, in 2003, she did the same thing. She did it when my Grandfather died as well, and that was in 1986, I think. See? It's not senility, or old age, or anything else. It's her. She deals with stress by not dealing with it. It IS rather horrific, but it's not a new development.
This visit with my daughter and HER daughter is something we feel we should do. It's not something we look forward to. The last time my daughter was there, my mother said some very hurtful and hateful things to her. The thing is, my Mom  plays her mind game of forgetting things in this situation as well. She remembers things Kathy said to HER, but she is certain she never said anything at all to hurt Kathy's feelings, and certainly would never have told her never to come back again! But, she did. I am going along, to protect my daughter from my mother. When I read that in front of me, I just shake my head. The reality is, I've been playing that role most of my life. I guess that's fine, but after Dad died, I just didn't have the energy anymore. I still have the responsibility, but I can't seem to force myself to go out like I had been.
Still, I want her to see Kahlan, and I want some pictures of all 4 of us together.
My deepest, greatest hope, is that all of us will give to Kahlan that best and most precious part of ourselves. She should inherit all the good from us and never touch the bad. My mother is artistic, and musical. Kahlan will never get to know that part of her, as she is no longer able to do most of those things due to arthritis, but I hope we can share those things somehow.  She deserves our best always.