Another Transition~

Hubby and I are moving my Mom into a long term care facility in 2 days. I've been on the phone with people and services cancelling or moving them! There is so much more involved than one might think. So, I am taking a break from labeling clothing, and making calls to newspapers, etc. to put some of these things down in writing.
I realized after the decision had been made last week following a Dr. appointment, that one of the real reasons I had been hesitating to move her, was that I felt selfish doing it. How silly is that?! I also feel as if I failed her somehow, but the real culprit is her mind. She can't remember. Short term, she has no recollection at all. We've put things in place that have been working and helping, but we've hit the end of it. She can't stay home alone as she is. She's going to hate it at first, but last winter when she was placed following a hospital stay, she did fine. She did keep trying to pack to go home, but that seems to be fairly typical.
Some professionals I have been talking to for the last month or so have started asking me how I feel about all this. Well, I hadn't thought about that much. She's going into the same facility my Dad was in. I now have to go there to visit her, just as I did my Dad. Hmm. That may be harder than I originally thought. They are working with that though, and are placing her in a totally different wing than Dad was in. The hope is that she won't get confused and think he's there and she's come to visit. We'll see. Maybe having no memory is not such a bad thing after all!
After this difficult weekend, I am going to visit 'the kids' as they have become- my daughter, SIL and granddaughter. THAT will help. It always does.

Mom's new haircut- last week.

What a Difference a Year Makes!

Last week my granddaughter became a big one year old. Overnight. She has teeth- this child is serious about cutting teeth. She has 3 coming in at once. This does not make for a jolly birthday girl. Well, that's not exactly true, as she was pretty grinny and excited most of the day. She did a lovely job of destroying her cake, and spent a good amount of time playing with her new toys. The day after her birthday was MY birthday! We had booked a photographer, and went to an outdoor location for her pictures that evening, hoping to beat the Kansas heat. We tried. We failed, but she did a great job anyway! We are anxiously awaiting proofs of the almost 2 hour shoot. I documented the moment- her very first professional photographer experience- with my camera also!
There were many times that someone said something along the lines of, " a year ago we..." When she arrived, finally after Mom laboring for nearly 24 hours (!), we all fell in love immediately. I thought I'd never feel a stronger bond than I did at that moment, but I was wrong. Every time I am lucky enough to spend time with her, I fall a little deeper. She is the most perfect blend of her Mommy and Daddy. It's difficult to explain, but it's hard to be unhappy with such a little spark plug of joy in my life. We are all very lucky that she is doing so well. We know it.

Stages of King Cake

The dough phase-

After making the dough and letting it rest a bit, it is rolled out and THEN-

you put a filling inside and roll it up.

The I hope it rises phase

The dough is turned into an oval, or a circle if you have a wide enough cookie sheet. Again, it is allowed to rest and hopefully rise before it is baked.

The finished product

The King Cake is completed only when it is basically buried under frosting and colored sprinkles.

These are the colors of Mardi Gras.

This is my first ever attempt at a King Cake, and it's actually going to a crawfish boil tomorrow, so I hope it's good. It smells pretty fantastic. The part you can't see, is a little tiny plastic baby hidden in the cake. Tradition as I am told, is that the one who finds the baby provides the cake the following year. I found the baby last year, and vowed that I would make a cake this year for the party. So, there it is- ready to go. All I need now, are my beads, and I am set for Crawfish Boil 2011. 

It Takes a Special man to be called, "Daddy".

My father passed away very quietly a year ago today. My mother, cousin, son, and I were all there. It's taken the better part of a year for me to internalize that he is gone. His physical decent was so slow, that at times it was hard to realize all that he had lost. First a cane, then a walker, then a wheelchair, and finally, requiring another person to put him in and take him out of the wheelchair. I saw him Tuesday of the week he died, sitting  in the cafeteria. He offered my dog, Melly, a bite of his lunch. Forever ornery. He had been moved to the assisted side of the cafeteria a few months earlier. That was hard to grasp. Looking back on everything now, it seems so obvious that he was fading away before my eyes, but that Tuesday to me, was just like any other visit I had made over the last year. I had a care plan meeting, and brought Melly to visit with Dad, and all the other residents. She had become quite a favorite for a lot of them. I wonder now, if they miss seeing her. I suspect they do. Dad was in a care facility, with his 2 older brothers, one next door to him, and one across the hall. They are all gone now, actually within about 6 weeks of each other. At first, they got together and played dominoes. But Dad became less able to do even that as time went on, and eventually, they gave up. One visit earlier, on a Sunday, people were having a service down the hall, and were playing a song that was one of my Dad's favorites. I sang along, and Dad grinned his normal grin. It was one of the songs my cousin sang at his funeral. It seemed obvious to choose it.
I believe I will miss him every day of my life from now on. Some days are really difficult, but others, I am glad for him that he is not suffering, and feeling frustrated and useless. Most of the time though, I am sad that he isn't part of everything that has happened since Feb. 11, 2010. I can imagine him watching his Granddaughter caring for her own baby. He would be so proud of her and her little girl, and his eyes would sparkle at her middle name.
I've heard other people talk about how hard it is to "get over" the loss of a parent. I for one, will not. I don't intend to get over it. Get through it, I did already. Move on from it, I'm still doing all the time. I don't expect to get over it. I expect to miss him, just as I have been, forever.
It takes a special man to be called Daddy, and I was fortunate to have a Daddy in my life.

Our front door--enter at your own risk!

Winter is here....again!

2011---Time flies!

We have landed square into 2011. It seems time is moving faster to me. There have been days in my life that I felt would never end, and now- an entire year has just blown by. It was a very tough year, but it still seemed to move too fast for me at times.
For instance, my Granddaughter will be 6 months old this week. Yes, half a year old already!! Augh!
My hubby received tenure this year, and it seems as if we just got here a week ago!! (that's a good thing- better than the other way around!!)
Reflecting on the previous year is typical for me when the new one rolls around, and since I had a few days on my own in our Kansas home, I spent some time in thought.
Ultimately, I am very happy with my life and where I am right now. I can say that about the rest of the family as well. That hasn't always been the case! That's not to say that everything is just perfect, but-it feels as if it's on the right track. There are certainly still concerns with my Mother, and the economy and job market is pretty frightening. It's difficult to explain, but I think it's an internal settling. Like, I feel balanced, and prepared for the future.
Watching my daughter with her baby girl reminds me of when she was a baby, and how some days just seemed to be an endless array of messes. I remember thinking to myself back then, that I really needed to enjoy her babyhood, because I knew it would go by quickly, and each little developmental milestone would come and go so quickly, but when you are in the midst of the diapers and the night feedings and the laundry, etc. it's pretty hard to soak it all in. I am so thankful that my daughter seems to be able to sit back and enjoy her daughter. I know that I'm really mistaken when I think that Kahlan is the most perfect, most beautiful baby in the world. I know that other Grandmas would disagree with my assessment. To me, she is those things and many more. She is also a confirmation that we will continue. My Dad is gone and that is very tough sometimes, but I took a picture of Kahlan at Christmas time, and she has that twinkle in her eye, and I couldn't help but think- there it is. There we are.
We are heading into 2011, and so many changes for everyone I'm sure. I hope that this year will be a positive one for everyone. I choose to believe that it will.