Our family, the Roses, have had a really tough year this year. It started as the year began, with the death of one of two remaining Uncles, and followed with my Dad, and then the last surviving sibling of his within a few short days. We lost all 3 of them very abruptly, and on some days, I am still reeling somewhat. It didn't end there, though. We also lost 3 of my cousins as well. 2010 has been tough. I am beginning to accept that the loss of my father is still burdening me. I just read on a friend's blog, about a time capsule within their community and things her mother in law had placed there for all of them to find 25 years later. It was very impressive, and touching. It made me wonder, what were my Dad's views of the world 25 years ago? Would he have projected forward to great-grandchildren? Even though his last months were clouded with some mental confusion, it was really his body that betrayed him. An unfortunate medical mis-diagnosis, and then an optional treatment suggestion that shouldn't have been optional, brought him to the point of being unable to walk, or care for himself. He could feed himself up until the last day of his life. It's really hard to explain what it feels like to watch your parent disappear, but that's what happened with Dad. His essence, his personality was there though. Sometimes, his eyes would sparkle just like always, and i would think that he was still in there. It's strange how off balance I have felt since his death, because I was the one caring for him, not the other way around. Dad was always there, even when he wasn't able to do anything anymore but sit and occasionally talk with me. Having him completely gone has been very difficult to absorb.
I think my greatest regret is that he was gone before my Granddaughter arrived, but honestly, whenever I am with her, I feel his presence more strongly than anywhere else. I have to believe he has seen her, and is proud of her and of her Mom and Dad. They went through an awful lot to get her here, and I'm pretty sure that some of the Rose stubbornness factored into it! I'm also pretty sure that there is a twinkling eye and ornery grin up there somewhere looking down on all of us.
