As I was 'skyping' with my daughter, discussing an upcoming trip to take my granddaughter to meet my mother for the first time, I recognized a familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate that feeling. I've had it most of my life though, so you'd think I'd be used to it by now!
The story is this- my mother makes me nervous. Okay, yes, that's mild, but hey- this is a family blog space!
Since I was very young, I'm guessing 8 or so, I have memories of having to 'take over' during crisis situations within our family. My mother tends to----well, lose her mind when she's under stress. She can't remember things like our address or phone number for instance. On occasion, I think she has forgotten she has a child. She is getting very forgetful these last few months, and people are acting like some of her behavior is unusual. Actually, it's not. When my Dad died, she went through a time of 'forgetting' he had died. To other folks, this seems horrific. What they don't know, is that when her sister died, in 2003, she did the same thing. She did it when my Grandfather died as well, and that was in 1986, I think. See? It's not senility, or old age, or anything else. It's her. She deals with stress by not dealing with it. It IS rather horrific, but it's not a new development.
This visit with my daughter and HER daughter is something we feel we should do. It's not something we look forward to. The last time my daughter was there, my mother said some very hurtful and hateful things to her. The thing is, my Mom plays her mind game of forgetting things in this situation as well. She remembers things Kathy said to HER, but she is certain she never said anything at all to hurt Kathy's feelings, and certainly would never have told her never to come back again! But, she did. I am going along, to protect my daughter from my mother. When I read that in front of me, I just shake my head. The reality is, I've been playing that role most of my life. I guess that's fine, but after Dad died, I just didn't have the energy anymore. I still have the responsibility, but I can't seem to force myself to go out like I had been.
Still, I want her to see Kahlan, and I want some pictures of all 4 of us together.
My deepest, greatest hope, is that all of us will give to Kahlan that best and most precious part of ourselves. She should inherit all the good from us and never touch the bad. My mother is artistic, and musical. Kahlan will never get to know that part of her, as she is no longer able to do most of those things due to arthritis, but I hope we can share those things somehow. She deserves our best always.
