November 8

This date marks an anniversary in my life. I have chosen to acknowledge it by writing a letter describing family events for the year.
 Dear Kathy,
First- I really wish you were still here with us. So much has happened.

To begin 2010, we lost U. Cecil, followed closely by my Father. Less than 2 weeks later, U. Marion went also. It's almost as if they left the door open for him. They aren't the only ones who walked through the door though, and I know one of the most confusing yet comforting was your Mother. She is buried next to you, and all I could think of at her burial, was that now you and your Mom can be together. She wanted that, you know? That is why her funeral wasn't so tough for me. My daughter- your namesake- says I stonewalled at Dad's funeral. I think she's right. I think I didn't want to feel, so I just didn't. We know where I learned that skill, right? Speaking of Kathy- She and Scott had a baby girl. She had some trouble getting here, and had to really show her strength and stubbornness at a young age, like less than a day old, but she did it. Her name is Kahlan Rose. Yeah, I know. Not only did I do what you and I always said we'd do, but so did my daughter. Pretty neat, huh?  Kahlan is gorgeous. I have no doubt that she is the most beautiful baby girl ever born. It's hard to put into words, but she fills all those spaces that are empty. Anyway, I wish you could see her. I wish you could see me with her. I'm not convinced that you don't. I am a Grandma!!! Wild.
Patrick is working and in his second semester, seeking a second degree. He seems to be doing really well, and is more like his old self all the time. He was living with us until this summer. Oh! That's also big news- we decided to buy the house in Oklahoma. We payed it off in full last month! It's a big decision, because it wipes out pretty much all the retirement savings we had, but it makes economic sense. It's also made a change in the way we feel about living here, I think. I will always love my house in Kansas, and I will always want to end up there, but this place is fine. It feels good here too, you know? I enjoy the area, the campus is gorgeous, the students are great.....etc. I feel like you are rolling your eyes less at me all the time!  ;)  Keith and I had a really nice anniversary trip this year, going into Missouri and Arkansas. We stayed in a Yurt (!) in a really bad storm- which was not so great, but the mountain top was. We also finally took that trip to Vegas that Keith has wanted to make for SO long. It was also fun- surprisingly- for both of us!! Of course, the best part of all this, is that I had someone to share it with. I am lucky, and I know it--
I guess that covers the main big news. I'll miss you always.

November? Really?!

Well! October certainly flew by for me.  We had a wonderful visit with daughter and family. I have multiple photos to prove it. We are looking forward to having everyone together again for Thanksgiving here in Oklahoma. It's Kahlan's first everything, so it's automatically special. There is always a certain decision making process involved with the holiday planning for us. We own two houses- one in Oklahoma and one in Kansas. On a side note, when I say,"own", I actually mean it! We paid off the Oklahoma house last month!! Yippee!
Back to holidays- because we have two places in two states, there is a bit of figuring, plotting, and planing to be made. AND- since we've had a marriage, there is also another entire family to negotiate with as well. We have always done Thanksgiving at the home in Kansas, until last year, when half of us went to the 'other side' for that holiday. We had a very nice day here in Oklahoma, and are going to repeat the process this year- with the exception of having more help in the kitchen!
Happily, my Mom has two options for Thanksgiving that don't involve her riding in a car for a 7 hour round trip. I brought her down once for our Christmas show, and while I think she enjoyed the show, the trip was tiring, and being some place besides her home was difficult for her. I'm really thankful that there are other things she can participate in that don't involve her leaving her home. She has begun to live in a kind of alternate reality, I think. She has sort of rewound the clock to a time when all her loved ones were still alive. That works out fine for her, until I show up with a grandbaby! Then she has some confusion when she actually thinks about it. It's really tough to explain, because she has always sort of ignored things that are painful for her, so this behavior isn't new- and not really related to age, etc. It's a self-preservation thing I believe. I know that Christmas and their anniversary will be difficult for her, if she allows herself to recognize it. Time will tell how that works out.
In the meantime, I am helping with some costumes for Opera Scenes, and taking photos for promotions for the School of Music this week. We are heading into a season of concerts, etc. and lots of excitement. Among all this, I get to celebrate with a new Grandbaby! We have so much to be thankful for!

Hello Fall!!

Our family, the Roses, have had a really tough year this year. It started as the year began, with the death of one of two remaining Uncles, and followed with my Dad, and then the last surviving sibling of his within a few short days. We lost all 3 of them very abruptly, and on some days, I am still reeling somewhat. It didn't end there, though. We also lost 3 of my cousins as well. 2010 has been tough. I am beginning to accept that the loss of my father is still burdening me. I just read on a friend's blog, about a time capsule within their community and things her mother in law had placed there for all of them to find 25 years later. It was very impressive, and touching. It made me wonder, what were my Dad's views of the world 25 years ago? Would he have projected forward to great-grandchildren?  Even though his last months were clouded with some mental confusion, it was really his body that betrayed him. An unfortunate medical mis-diagnosis, and then an optional treatment suggestion that shouldn't have been optional, brought him to the point of being unable to walk, or care for himself. He could feed himself up until the last day of his life. It's really hard to explain what it feels like to watch your parent disappear, but that's what happened with Dad. His essence, his personality was there though. Sometimes, his eyes would sparkle just like always, and i would think that he was still in there. It's strange how off balance I have felt since his death, because I was the one caring for him, not the other way around. Dad was always there, even when he wasn't able to do anything anymore but sit and occasionally talk with me. Having him completely gone has been very difficult to absorb.
I think my greatest regret is that he was gone before my Granddaughter arrived, but honestly, whenever I am with her, I feel his presence more strongly than anywhere else. I have to believe he has seen her, and is proud of her and of her Mom and Dad. They went through an awful lot to get her here, and I'm pretty sure that some of the Rose stubbornness factored into it! I'm also pretty sure that there is a twinkling eye and ornery grin up there somewhere looking down on all of us.

Revalations~

As I was 'skyping' with my daughter, discussing an upcoming trip to take my granddaughter to meet my mother for the first time, I recognized a familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate that feeling. I've had it most of my life though, so you'd think I'd be used to it by now!
The story is this- my mother makes me nervous. Okay, yes, that's mild, but hey- this is a family blog space!
Since I was very young, I'm guessing 8 or so, I have memories of having to 'take over' during crisis situations within our family. My mother tends to----well, lose her mind when she's under stress. She can't remember things like our address or phone number for instance. On occasion, I think she has forgotten she has a child. She is getting very forgetful these last few months, and people are acting like some of her behavior is unusual. Actually, it's not. When my Dad died, she went through a time of 'forgetting' he had died. To other folks, this seems horrific. What they don't know, is that when her sister died, in 2003, she did the same thing. She did it when my Grandfather died as well, and that was in 1986, I think. See? It's not senility, or old age, or anything else. It's her. She deals with stress by not dealing with it. It IS rather horrific, but it's not a new development.
This visit with my daughter and HER daughter is something we feel we should do. It's not something we look forward to. The last time my daughter was there, my mother said some very hurtful and hateful things to her. The thing is, my Mom  plays her mind game of forgetting things in this situation as well. She remembers things Kathy said to HER, but she is certain she never said anything at all to hurt Kathy's feelings, and certainly would never have told her never to come back again! But, she did. I am going along, to protect my daughter from my mother. When I read that in front of me, I just shake my head. The reality is, I've been playing that role most of my life. I guess that's fine, but after Dad died, I just didn't have the energy anymore. I still have the responsibility, but I can't seem to force myself to go out like I had been.
Still, I want her to see Kahlan, and I want some pictures of all 4 of us together.
My deepest, greatest hope, is that all of us will give to Kahlan that best and most precious part of ourselves. She should inherit all the good from us and never touch the bad. My mother is artistic, and musical. Kahlan will never get to know that part of her, as she is no longer able to do most of those things due to arthritis, but I hope we can share those things somehow.  She deserves our best always.

my insight of the day

Today as I was talking with a friend who is a father, and a pretty good one I think, I was trying to explain to him how being a Grandmother is different from being a Mother. As I struggled to find words it became clear to me. When I saw my granddaughter for the first time, my heart was filled. I told him that she had filled my heart, and everything that was bad and didn't belong there went away, because there was no room for it anymore. There are things from my past that I can look back on and be upset or depressed about, but Kahlan is here and she is healthy and happy. What does anything that happened last year, or ten years ago or longer matter anymore? It doesn't. Her little tiny self has pushed out all the negativity in my life. When she looks at me, I forget anything that has happened before. She pulls me into 'now'. You have to be present with an infant- all the time. You can't dwell on things that aren't important, because there simply isn't time. Everything in her world is new. I look forward so much to watching her discover things, and rediscovering those things myself. My deepest and most sincere hope is that nothing ever hurts her so deeply that she loses the overwhelming love of life that she seems to have now. She is still so young and fragile, but she has changed me, and i am so thankful for her and her Mommy. What a blessing to our family she is.

The Grandma Days

I have just come back from spending almost a week with my daughter and son in law, and granddaughter. It was, let's see- exciting, tiring, fulfilling, touching, worrisome, and treasured. I slept in the nursery with the baby, which was totally fine with me. It was her first time sleeping all night in her big crib, and not in the bassinet in her parents room. I was a transition! She is simply lovely. 5 weeks old while I was there, and starting to do some fun things. She actually rolled from tummy to back 4 times while I was there. That was exciting, but I kept thinking that she was already growing too fast!! I'm sure she is and will continue to do so. She resembles her mother a lot at that age, and sometimes, I could almost flashback to holding my daughter, while looking at her.
I remember when my kids were babies, thinking it would never end- the night feedings, and the diapers, and never ending laundry. Now, when I am with Kahlan, I am thinking, please don't let it end so fast! It has become impossible for me to go anywhere without thinking about that baby. I see things in a store and I wonder if she'd like it, or would it fit her. I see moms with their kids and wonder what it will be like for Kathy to take her shopping for school supplies and clothes. People told me before she came, that it would change my life. I'll admit, I didn't really understand it. I mean, I knew I would love her immediately, and that was certainly true. I didn't expect that my whole world would be different. It is. My world is very different now. My tolerance for things and interest in things has changed. If she can change me that much in 5 weeks, what will it be like in 5 years?! Time will tell.

The Beginning Blog!

Today my granddaughter is one month old. It's hard to believe, but there it is. She's been here for an entire month! We were all so impatient for her to arrive, and so thrilled when she did.
She is a lovely little girl with a darling smile. Yes- she smiles. I know she isn't supposed to be really smiling yet, but trust me- she does.
I think because I have recently become a Grandma, I have been thinking about my own Grandmother,( I just had one, my father's mother died a few hours after his birth). She always kept a diary. She wrote in it every night before she went to bed. She took it on vacations and wrote in the car, about the sights they passed and what they did. When I turned 12, I think, Grandma started giving me a diary every year too. I wish I had written regularly, but I didn't. Grandma's though- years of them- are still with us! These diaries were a peak into her life, and I think that I want to do something like that for my grandchild.
So, there it is- a piece of my days captured in a blog.  Or at least, that's what I hope it becomes!
Today, we are at our house in Kansas. We bought this place in 2000, for some reason neither of us really could understand, but I loved it the first time I saw it. We lived in Wichita then, and came out here on the weekends to relax. We had begun to take weekend fishing/camping trips around in the area, and thought about getting a cabin of some sort. We found one for sale, and put money down on it, but the family backed out on the sale. We were so disappointed, and I became determined to find a place. We looked at a few, all in Southeastern Kansas. Nothing really seemed quite right until we saw this house. It started out as a single room cabin, and the owners built on and added until it is now about 2400 sq. feet. It has a downstairs, that we have been remodeling this summer, and the main floor, with an addition that is a half story up where Kathy's room is. It's hard to explain this place, and harder to explain how I feel when I am here. There is something comforting about being here. There always has been. It is surrounded by trees, with a small lake across the road. We also have property on that lake, with a little dock. We have a bass boat there, and our fishing gear is stored in an old cabin that was on the lot when we bought it. Our life here is very different from the life we lead in Oklahoma, and a total opposite of what it was like in Louisiana. I'm sure I will write about those years--the Louisiana years, but not today. Today, I am getting a feel for this idea. I have kept journals for many years, but this is different in some way. For now, I think this is enough for a start.